


Zenosyne Adomania

by planet_m



Series: Tales of Fokriayen [1]
Category: Original Work, Tales of Fokriayen
Genre: Also slight mention of pedophilia, Also they're all nerds, And violence, Angst and fluff and the whole shabang, Anxiety Attacks, BE WARY, But here it is, But it doesn't happen until way later, But it has elves n shit in it so, But it is there and talked about, But it never happens, But it's there, But let's just see where this takes us, But not until way later either, Deir and Xileph hate each other, Depression, Disabled Characters, Dissociation, Drinking, Drug Use, Every. One., Everyone in here is gay, Except I've never played DnD, Fantasy, For like 2 of the main characters, I guess this can be considered shippy???, I hope you all will enjoy it as much as I will, I try to make up my own lore, I was unsure if I was going to be able to write this here, I would never actually write that shit, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Intersex Character, It's about to get deep, It's like DnD, It's really close though, Kai is deaf, Kind of works, Like i said i would never write that shit, Major Character Injury, Major character death - Freeform, Memes, Mostly it's just, Nonbinary Character(s), Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Original of a lot of things, Original work - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Plot is confusing, Queer Character(s), Queerplatonic Relationships, Real life themes, Sign language like everywhere, Smut???? Idk yet, So is storyline, Suicide Attempt, Tbh probably no smut, They get high at some points, They're all just dumb and gay, They're all like a little family, They're all so fucking gay, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Trigger warnings for the whole fuckin thing, Underage Drinking, Xileph is blind, a lot of it, also, and blood, and death, and swearing, fucking oof, i guess, it's fun, just FYI, me and tags???? Uncontrollable, oh shit, people die, shit's about to get real, there's blood, they/them pronouns, underage a lot of things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-19 16:34:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15513966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/planet_m/pseuds/planet_m
Summary: The Humans have been more or less wiped off the face of the Plaerra. Anything or anyone related to the Humans and their existence must be eradicated at all costs.Deir is a Human-Bred. Which means that they're an illegal citizen and everyone has orders to shoot on sight. Being Half-Elf and Half-Human comes with a price, but not one Deir is ready to pay just yet.Stuck in the literal middle of a war, between two huge powers they don't believe in, Deir tries to find out who they are while attempting to live through to the next day.It's a bit easier said than done.Everyone is out to get them, even the people that need them alive. But, no matter what, Deir intends to find out why this is happening, why now, and why it's up to them to stop it.Thankfully, they aren't alone in this fight.Armed with a group of unlikely friends, they set out to discover mysteries and unlock the secrets of the land and the two sides of the war. Exploring Fokriayen and narrowly escaping it's many different creatures and monsters and strange geographical formations, they all bond and form a family of sorts.They are all the ones to bring about the end of the war. How easy that's going to be? No one knows.





	Zenosyne Adomania

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I was super unsure of whether or not I would be able to write my own story on here. I wasn't really into the idea of writing it on Tumblr but I really really wanted to share it with a lot of people. I'm super proud of myself and this work.  
> It's still a huge learning process for me, so please be patient with my style and just the writing in general, I've obvs never written something on this large of a scale before.  
> I don't know how long this work is going to be, but I hope it'll be super fun!  
> I hope you all will enjoy it!!  
> (Also, if you get super into it, don't be expecting really regular updates. Sorry, I just can't keep up with that sort of stress but I'll update things whenever I get to it lmao)
> 
> Also, the title of this work is still a work in progress. I like it but I feel it should be a little different. I'm not sure but I might change it as this goes on.
> 
> Also: READ THE TAGS, PLEASE!!! I cannot stress that enough, the warnings don't match what the tags say because I won't actually write that stuff but a lot will be implied, to get a more accurate reading for the direction of this work, READ THE TAGS. Thank you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiraeth. A homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.
> 
> This is the beginning.  
> The beginning of loss, of death, of pain and of sorrow. But this is also the beginning of a new story, a new life, new everything.  
> Beginnings are hard, but they are what define us as a people.  
> Never forget your beginning.

When I was younger, I was dead.

Well, not actually dead. But, you know, dead. Like, really really dead.

No one cared about me much outside of my family. It didn't really bother me at all; less people caring about you, the less you're actually looked at.

Yeah, that's kind of depressing. But that's how I viewed life. I hated being looked at or paid attention to, still do, and whenever someone did I made sure they stopped. I didn't deserve to be looked at. I wasn't cool or amazing or tough or smart or anything. I was scary and intimidating and lonely and just nothing special.

It bothers me when people think otherwise.

I'm not exactly sure where to start with this. I'm kind of surprised you even want to hear about me and my story anyway.

I guess we can start with my family. I'm not exactly what you would call Human. I'm not exactly a lot of things, I guess. I'm a lot but not enough, really. Anyway, I had a huge family. A mom and a dad, five sisters and three brothers. Everyone loved each other so much. Since none of us were legal citizens, we couldn't live in the cities or towns. Instead, we lived with a small camp of refugees that travelled around all of Fokriayen. We saw trees and oceans and the stars. It was perfect.

All the way up until it wasn't so perfect anymore.

Now, we only really travelled so much because our little camp was full of people running from the law or escaping life's responsibilities or, like us, they weren't supposed to be alive. So we never stayed in one place for too long, we always moved and never stopped. We didn't want to be caught and killed so we just kept moving. Never staying in the same area for more than a day or two.

Except when we did. And they caught up to us.

My life ended that day. I had died alongside my family and the rest of the camp. I was dead after that incident. And I would never forgive or forget the people who had caused it.

It was sunny outside, too. It was a good day. We were celebrating my littlest brother's birthday. It was peaceful. We were all called into our tent to have sweets and delicacies for him. Those take a long time to find and accumulate enough for all of us, it's hard work bartering with the caravans. But we always seemed to be able to do it for every birthday. Everyone was already in the tent starting to celebrate but I was distracted playing with the tadpoles in the stream. When I finally realized that no one was around me anymore, I stood up and walked toward the tent with it's back facing towards me.

For some reason, everything seemed eerily quiet. In hindsight, I should have known that something was terribly wrong. But I was only six and I didn't think much of it.

So I kept walking.

I should have run. Towards the tent or along the stream and away, I'll never know. I should have run. But I was only six.

So I kept walking.

By the time I made it to the tent, I heard the screams. Terrible, horrible screams that pounded my heart and screeched against my eardrums. It didn't stop. It was unrelenting. 

Quickly, I found the tear in the fabric of the tent and peaked through.

What I saw would haunt me forever. My body froze up. I forced myself not to breathe.

Two Valkyrie, armed with bows and bloodlust in their eyes, stood over my mother who was dead on the ground. Blood pooling from wounds I couldn't see.

 _Wait, no_ not dead. Her body was shaking as she was trying to breathe through the pain, she was trying to breathe through the death that covered her like a blanket. It was almost visible. She was dying.

My father was crouched in front of her, crying loudly as his hands hovered over her as if he wasn't sure where to put them. He seemed to be stuck in his own mind. The Valkyrie's eyes never seemed to look away from my parents on the floor. Too entranced in what they were seeing or wanting to understand it. An Elven man shedding tears over a Human woman who lay dying on the ground. They seemed put off-guard by the surprising show of love, eyes wide at the spectacle.

It made me angry.

Tearing my eyes away from my parents with great difficulty, I see my eldest sister and brother trying to shield the younger ones from the Valkyrie. They were pressed into the farthest corner of the tent, looking this way and that, trying to find a way out, trying to be brave for their younger siblings.

They won't. They weren't.

It was a thin façade. One that wasn't strong enough to keep the others from panicking. They tried. Oh, gods, did they try. 

Hot tears finally started to form in my eyes. None fell yet.

All at once, my lungs started to ache, I wasn't breathing. _I can't! They would hear me!_ I pleaded with my body,  _I can live without breath for a little while longer!_ My body said no. 

I took a deep breath in, one that I tried so hard to withhold and one that I tried so hard to keep quiet.

It didn't work. One of the Valkyrie whipped her head up, eyes peering around the room and looking for where the sound came from. Her eyes landed on mine through the tear.

The dread and overwhelming terror that filled my body in that one moment almost made me lose all control. I could feel my body want to panic, run, scream, sob. I could feel my body want to yell and tear through the tent. I could feel it. But my body was stuck in place by those eyes, fearful of an attack on my person, fearful of what would happen if I break eye contact first. My heart was pumping loud and banging against my ribcage but no one seemed to be able to hear it except for me. My breath threatened to speed up but I forced my lungs to take air in slowly, contrary to my pounding heart. I couldn't calm myself down and as I stared back into those eyes, I wondered if panic and dread would be the last things I ever felt.

Then, in something short of a miracle, the eyes moved away. Her gaze never came back to mine. 

Swiftly, the one who caught my gaze raised a knife and sliced my father's throat. She knew I was watching. She killed him slowly. Holding his head up with one fist in his hair and dragging the knife slowly across his throat. His weeping silenced, the only noise coming from him became choked sounds and gagging noises. Blood hit the floor and suddenly my hearing muffled and my vision became too narrow.

Everything became too much to focus on a single thing at a time. 

The other Valkyrie stood up. My siblings screaming was muffled. Whimpers and calling of names turned to gibberish and panicked sounds. Knives and bows were drawn, metal shining and strings pulled taught. Tears and blood splashed to the ground. Red liquid sprayed the air and landed on the walls. Something hit my face and ran down my cheeks. The air was saturated with the smell of _red_. Bodies landed heavily on the floor. One by one, the sounds diminished. The Valkyrie started talking to each other. One nodded and they left. My family all lay dead on the ground.

I was the only one left. And I hate myself for that. Every single day of my life, I regret not being able to do anything for them. I regret not dying by their sides.

It was eerily quiet that day. But it was also beautiful. It was my brother's birthday, he would've turned three that day. 

He would've turned three.

I should've run.

But I was only six.

 

 **~** ~ **~** ~ **~** ~ **~**

 

Over the next few years, I ended up travelling by myself. I ran away and never stopped moving. I couldn't. Stopping was what killed my family, so I never stopped. 

By the time I was nine, I ended up travelling almost all of Fokriayen. I met a few people that would help me on various journeys whenever I happened to be close. There was a few travelling groups of Unwanteds, kind of like the group I used to have, but I never stayed. They offered to help whenever I ran across them, but they will never be more than wary allies.

I did favors for those groups and other underground groups. Finding things for them, information or stealing items. In return, they gave me extra rations or some gold to help me on my journeys. I'm small, for now at least, and that makes it plenty easy to steal and sneak.

But I'm also pretty recognisable if I don't hide my face. My skin is too pale, too Human. It's easy to catch me if you know what you're looking for.

And... well... a couple of people knew what they were looking for.

Since I was kind of a nuisance and a pain, people wanted me gone. Some knew that I'm a Half-Breed, so they wanted me destroyed. Other's didn't but still wanted me gone for taking stuff. But I never ran into too much trouble. And trouble that I did end up running into never lasted long. I was small and fast and could hide easily.

But, life isn't always so easy. Especially not for me.

I had just turned twelve when they really tried to eradicate me. I accidentally forgot to cover my face while trying to escape a small city after stealing information for some money. Because of that, I was easily recognized as Human-bred with my pale skin and smaller stature and was quickly caught.

They showed no mercy. There were no figures I could make out, they were just shadowy forms, it was dark and they had quickly blindfolded me and gagged me before I could make too much noise. They picked me up while I was kicking and swinging in whatever direction and eventually one of them took a stone and knocked me out.

My last thought before unconsciousness was : why did they keep me alive and not kill me in the streets where they found me? I remember being terrified of the answer before everything became black.

 

**-/-/-/-/-**

 

I woke up to the sound of a blade sharpening and a conversation between two gruff sounding voices, I opened my eyes but they had kept the blindfold on and had removed the gag. They wanted to interrogate me. For some reason, my little twelve year old mind could comprehend that much. I realised quickly that I was tied to a chair, my wrists and ankles bound tightly enough with rough rope that I was afraid that I’d make myself bleed more if I tried to move. I could even feel warm wetness on the back of my head, probably where the stone hit to knock me out.

My eyes are feeling wet, tears gathering at my waterline. I blinked them back, though. I couldn’t allow myself to cry. I would not cry. I save my tears for things that are worth crying over, not empty stomachs, not tripping and falling in mud, and definitely not for strange people who picked a twelve year old off the street with the probable attempt for murder.

I forced the tears down and tried not to move in order to get as much info as I could as I tried to listen in on what the two voices had been saying, piecing together the parts that I missed.

“-ow do we know that this is really the right person?” The first voice sounded unsure and nervous.

“What do you mean? We were tasked with finding the Human-bred, here they are.” This voice is obviously annoyed with the first.

“W-well, I mean, this is just a child and are we even sure that this is even a Human-bred?”

The knife sharpening stopped and I forced myself not to tense up, “Do you see the pale skin? The pointed ears? Did you see the eyes and freckles?” After a short pause the knife sharpening started up again, “Did you see the _teeth?_ This is who we’re looking for.”

“Well, y-yeah but...this is a kid we’re talking about. It’s just-I don’t think-”

“You’re right! You don’t think!” The second voice cuts in and almost makes me jump, “We are being paid money from the Empire and offered a place in their ranks if we complete this job as cleanly as possible. No matter if it’s a kid or a fucking adult, we were told to kill the Human-bred stealing things from the Empire and its cities.”

“I just don’t think I can kill a kid in cold blood like this. I read the report, I knew there was a chance it was a kid we needed to kill. But what were the chances that a kid managed to make fools of the Empire for this long?” The first voice talks tentatively, hesitating at every sentence, “I just can’t do it. It's not right.”

“Look, there’s a chance we could marry the young Empress. It’s like her father wants to sell her off to someone before she even turns old enough to be courted.” The laugh that was belted out was positively venomous, it was evil. “I’m not sure about you, but getting my hands on that Empress, even if it’s with a guy like you, I would die happy knowing that I was the one that ruined her before she was even of age.” The voice’s sentence seemed to jump around, like they couldn’t decide what to say or what not to say about his plans for the Empress. I hear about the young Empress all the time on my journeys, she’s only about my age anyway. What kind of sick fucks would even think of her that way? These ones apparently. But, sadly, I don't think that these two are the only ones either.

The first voice starts up after a bit, “Okay, you’re right. Getting our hands on the young heir to the throne...that would be better than even going to Eleswhir after death.” This voice turns sickening as well, like they’re just thinking about tearing into this young girl, this _child,_ as if she were a meal. But as quickly as this voice turns vile it turns nervous just as fast, “But, I’m still not sure about killing a child to get that.”

The knife sharpening stops again, the tension in the air is as thick as the Blouso Oprax, “So, you’re saying you’re too much of a little bitch to slay a kid that isn’t even supposed to be alive in the first place? You don’t want to kill a child but you’re willing to talk about one as if you were still living in the Gaegnium Times,” A chair creaks, like a person is standing up, “This-this... _thing_ is supposed to die. Tonight!” They spit out the word _thing_ like it physically pained them to even refer to me as anything at all, “If you don’t think that you can do it...I guess I’m just going to have to rid two useless souls from this Plaerra. Hopefully, for your sake, you’ll get into Lœrques. This kid won’t be so lucky,” The second voice has lowered to almost a whisper, voice raspy and thick with anger and frustration. “Now, unless you really do want to die, we have a Human-bred kid to torture and exterminate.”

On the word exterminate, they had apparently thrown their knife. Either they were trying to hit me or they purposefully missed, but the blade hit the wall near my right ear, nicking it. I jump and whip my head up from where it was hanging against my chest, breaths coming in heaves, now. I can feel the blood pouring down my ear and neck.

“Oh ho ho~! What do we have here!” The second voice dripping with pleased amusement, “Guess we were being listened to, huh?”

The floor creaks as a large body moves across the room, my blindfold gets ripped off and I’m momentarily blinded by the sudden light in the room. My eyes focus after a few seconds and I take in the area that I’m in.

It’s a small room, no bigger than a bedroom or a shack, probably a cabin in the woods. Not creepy and definitely not original. There’s one window on a wall on the right side and one on the wall farthest from me, both covered with ratty and torn fabric, and the wall to the left side of the room had a wooden door. Between the far wall and where I was, there was a small round table and two chairs. The table had a large candle in the middle of it. There's other candles being held in sconces attached to various points on the walls. Overall, it’s a pretty quaint but very drab place. I wonder what it’s really intended for.

I turn my head to take in the two people before me. One is very obviously an Orc, deep green flesh and a large underbite, fangs protruding from beneath her lip. She’s big and burly, with no sleeves I can see that she’s muscular, but it’s not really impressive. She had obviously been beaten up a lot, nose that had previously been broken too many times and scars and nicked and crooked ears, like how mine is now apparently. _Thanks_.

The other guy is an Orsipean. His scales have a green tint but are mostly yellow. he has horns on either side of his head and his eyes are an eerie red-orange. He has three scars across his nose, like from a Zunine or an animal. His face says that he doesn’t want to be here at all, he’s scared and nervous. He’s wearing a cloak and a simple tunic as a top with slacks and boots. He has a knife strapped to his side.

“So, you woke up, huh? How much did you hear?” The Orc says to me.

I try to respond but my throat is too dry to do anything but cough.

“Oh, I’m sorry, dry throat? Let me fix that for you.” She smiles and I think it was supposed to be mock sweet but it really wasn’t, her teeth are cracked and crooked and a very unhealthy shade of yellow. She turned around and grabbed a bucket that I hadn’t seen with one hand and grabbed my jaw with the other and squeezed so I was forced to open my mouth. She lifted the bucket and poured it over my face. I inhaled in surprise and water went into my lungs. Blinded and choked by the water, I squeezed my eyes shut and attempted to close my mouth and shake her grip on me but she just held me there.

As my vision was fading from the inability to breathe through the water, she let me go and I immediately turned to the side and coughed and retched. A decent sized puddle of liquid splashed on the floor. My lungs and throat were on fire, I felt like I had swallowed cantaloupe juice and my throat was swollen and rubbing on itself.

I keep coughing for what feels like hours and when I speak, it hurts even worse than before, so instead I force myself to croak out, “Fuck...you…” My head is still bowed and I look through my wet and dripping hair into the raging eyes of the Orc. She doesn’t hesitate to punch me in the face at that.

She grabs my hair to lift my head up and look at her. “Either you die immediately, or you give us the location of your group and the information you stole and you die after your words.”

“I don’t know, sounds a bit like you win either way.” My left cheek starts to turn sore from the punch and I wince a bit on the inside. “Since it doesn’t benefit me, why should I do this for you at all?” I smirk slightly and her eyes smolder at seeing it. “You aren’t killing me yet. So, clearly, my information is more important than you having me dead.”

The fist in my hair tightens it’s hold and I cringe against the pain in my scalp. “I’d carefully choose my words, kid. This situation isn’t in your hands this time, you aren’t going to be able to get out of this with a few clever words.”

Lifting my head to face her more and relieve some of the pain, I force my eyes to open and look her in the eyes before spitting in her face. It’s a nasty, thick mixture of saliva and phlegm and it hits her straight in her left eye. She growls and rears back, letting go of my hair and I allow myself to smirk more fully. She wipes her eyes and turns back to look at me, eyes on fire. She brings her left hand up and punches me so hard that I see stars. I grunt and my head flings to the side. My cheek is burning, more than the other one that she punched, and I don’t know why it hurts more but I can feel blood trickling from an open wound on my cheekbone. It hurts to try and move my jaw, even to just try and loosen it from being clenched. Distantly I can hear the sharp inhale from the Orsipean and the angry huffs from the Orc.

After letting my hearing come back and letting my vision clear, I force myself to look back up, wet hair in my eyes. Quickly, I see that the reason it hurt so bad is that she had put on a sharp ring while she was wiping my spit from her face. Placed on her left middle finger is a silver band and, protruding from the side where a jewel normally sits, is what looks like metal or knife blades. _Damn. That’s petty as hell_. My clothes are decently covered in blood after that one hit and my ear.

Leveling my glare on her, I speak quietly, slowly as to not cause too much pain but adding as much venom into my voice as I can. “Keep on beating me. Or you kill me now. Either way, you are not going to get any information out of me. I swear, by every drop of blood that flows out of me tonight, you will never learn the secrets that I have unearthed within the Kingdom.” Taking a deep breath and forcing myself to relax against the pain, I continue. “You will never have the pleasure of being able to be anywhere near the young Empress in any of your mortal lives. And it will definitely _not_ be my fault if someone subjected her to that horror.” After a few seconds of eye contact with the Orc, I stare at the Orsipean and he takes a step back. He’s shaking, eyes wide and alert. _He won’t attack me. At least, not yet and definitely not out of hatred._ I turn back to the Orc and slowly lean back in my chair until I had my back against the back of it, inwardly wincing at the bruises from the beatings from earlier.

No one moves. No one speaks. Hell, I barely even breathe. Waiting for the next hit to come, expecting it, I try to relax as much as possible. Blood still flowing down my face and water still dripping from my hair, I so warm but so cold at the same time. I do not dare shiver against it.

The suffocating atmosphere is broken, of course, by me. “Yo, lizard. Do you really, truly think that – you know, with the Gaegnium Times having just been over for a decade and the War of Richk that shut down everything that people did or are doing in regards to that – the Emperor would really let you two, of _all_ people and after _any_ situation, have any rights at all to do what you please to the young Empress? Cause, let me tell you, you won’t.” I lean back in the chair even more, leaning my head back a little and sighing, closing my eyes. “If anything, you might become personal guards, if that. No one will support the Emperor’s decision if he let that happen, especially not after the hundred years of Ti’ifrics’ reign. The Kingdom will be rampaged for sure. The Emperor will be murdered and the Empress, well she’ll probably be saved since she's still young. Or she’ll run away. Become someone like me.” I look back into the eyes of the Orsipean. “Hated.” Then, I look at the Orc. “Attacked.” Then to both. “Eventually murdered. Because no one will recognise her anymore; she’ll become someone she doesn’t even recognise either.”

After a few minutes of dead silence, the Orsipean gulps, tries to speak then swallows again when nothing comes out. Eventually he’s able to talk, in a pityingly shaky voice. “Was that...information? L-like, were you giving us things y-you overheard?”

I can’t help it, I throw my head back and I laugh. It sounds ugly, that’s for sure. All choking sounds and gasping from pain and from almost drowning just minutes earlier. It feels like hours. “No, no. Didn’t you hear me earlier? I said I _wouldn’t_ give you any information that might help you in your goal. It’s just stuff I was thinking just now, after hearing your plans. I do a lot of thinking. It makes sense, though. Now, all that I said, I expect it to be true. The Emperor wouldn’t, in his right mind, do anything like that.” I pause, waiting for his breaths to become short and staggered in the atmosphere. Then I look sinisterly into his eyes again and he almost jumps. “Unless…” Another pause. Not as suffocating as the last one, not as long. I have a thing for being dramatic, especially when my life is on the line. _I have a hard time taking things seriously_. “The Emperor _isn’t_ in his right mind.”

I look at the Orc this time, being incredibly quiet through this. She’s still standing where she was, albeit a bit more relaxed. Well, relaxed is a strong word for it, all she’s done is lower her hand from the punch and brought her feet closer and less like a fighting stance. Muscles still tense and ready in a second if needed. Or wanted.

After a bit longer of the staring contest, she speaks. But it’s not what I thought she would say. “How are you not terrified?” Genuine confusion sparks her tone, anger is still underlying it.

“How am I not terrified?” I repeat the question softly, thinking to myself. How _am_ I not terrified? I always think about it but I never can grasp on something solid. Situations like these, with death so inevitably close, even just in normal situations, I guess I’ve learned to be numb from it. I’m not scared of death. Of course, the buildup is anxiety inducing and the pain is unbearable sometimes. But death itself? I don’t think I’ll ever be truly scared of leaving. It’ll be somewhat of an escape. I was forced to grow up faster than any child I see nowadays. They run through the towns, chasing each other, playing games and getting dirty. I never had that. Only the constant reminder that death was always around the corner for someone like me, especially if I wasn’t careful enough. It's terrifying to think of. But, if I just let it happen, if it's meant to happen, it's not so terrifying. It's almost peaceful.

Death is almost like a close friend of mine.

I move my wrists in the bonds a bit. Blood coats my arms and hands and soaks into the ropes. _Scars, scars, and more scars._

After being silent for a few minutes, I answer her, “Does it matter?” She startles. Because it really doesn’t matter. At all. “If you truly hold up your end of the bargain, if you do end up killing me, why would it matter that you got me to spill my personal life story and not the information you needed? Why are you using your time with me in this chair asking me questions about how I handle my situations and not, 'What did you learn about the Emperor that makes you so certain he’d never do the shit you said?' Why does it matter about me if you don’t want to know anything about _me_ , just what I know? How do you intend to get the prize you think you’re getting if all you do is wonder about me?” I laugh breathily, exasperated. “I’m twelve, lady. I don’t have a life story. I’m just a kid. No one special and no one worth wondering about. Just kill me and get it over with. I’m not telling you anything about me or the information I have, so you can just go shove it.

“And, if you’re asking ‘cause you think I’m scared of you. You are so wrong. You aren’t scary to me, you _don’t_ scare me, you _won’t_ scare me. I’m scared of a lot, but adults who pick up twelve year olds off the street and beat them up don’t scare me at all. You guys talk a lot of shit, threaten me until I want to tell you what you want. But, in truth, you don’t wanna kill me at all, you just want what I know, that’s why you keep asking questions instead of actually doing things. So, you’re not scary. And I’m not scared of you.”

She bristles at my answer and remark, reels her arm back to punch me again (and, in an act of great courage, I didn’t even flinch even though every cell in my body said to) but, for some reason, thinks better of it. She takes a deep breath and steps back from me, feigning nonchalance. “You know what? You’re right. We aren’t making good on our promise. Partner, give me your knife.” Being smart and not saying any names, she holds her hand out toward the Orsipean. Hesitantly, he withdraws it and hands it over, never taking his eyes off me. The Orc continues, spinning the knife between her fingers and walking around, talking exaggeratedly. “You know...I’ve never met a child as cocky as you before. You seem so confident in everything you say, like nothing will go wrong. You're so young, burdened with all the knowledge of Fok,” She steps up to the chair and brings the knife up to just above my left brow. “ _It pisses me off._ Why don't we just start _cutting_ the information out of you? Maybe the blood will tell us something.” Her words drip like venom, menacing and dangerous. “Now, I need you to tell me everything you know about the Emperor, and we’ll be off. Whether or not we’ll kill you after, or even let you go...well, that’s up in the air for right now.”

I take in a breath, readying myself for the inevitable pain after I hiss out a response. “I already said, I’m not telling you jack _shit_ . So, if you’re really serious about thi- _fuck_ !” The Orc pressed the knife blade into my skin, deep. She slowly, so agonizingly slowly, drags the knife down and over my brow. _If she keeps going, she’ll cut my eye_. In a moment of horror, I jerked my head to the side and the blade just narrowly misses, carving around the outer corner of my eye.

“For fucks sake, hold still.” She grabs my chin with her free hand and continues drawing on my skin with the blade, painting my skin red with blood and pain. I clench my jaw and hope to whatever gods that are real that the pain would stop soon. As she gets to my left cheek that she punched, I force myself to relax, the bruising and swelling making the blade move slower and the cut hurt even worse. Like pressure building up until I just want it to release but it won’t.

After what feels like an eternity, she stops just lower than the fatty part of my cheek. And then the pain starts blooming. Blood gets into my eye forcing me to close it and I keep my jaw clenched, trying to keep the pain from showing too much. After a few seconds, my lips part and I start heaving breaths through my clenched teeth. Leaning forward in my chair through pain, with nothing holding me up anymore since the Orc backed away and let go of my jaw, I can feel the blood run down my cheek and over my lips. In a moment of pure hysteria, I stick my tongue out and lick the blood coating my lips like cherry juice.

It tastes...disgusting. Like accidentally putting too much salt on a too-burnt piece of meat. But the taste doesn’t go away. It lingers like old memories and sunken ships in the ocean. Blood coats my tongue and teeth, ingraining itself into my skin.

Raising my head, I let out a manic laugh, pulling my lips back to bare my teeth in a smile that was better suited for a person addicted to Glympt than a child. I can feel saliva dribbling down my chin, warm and sticky with blood. The pain is getting to be too much for my head, too much pressure, not enough release. I shake my head a little while chuckling, trying to clear it but the force makes it worse.

Soon, I feel liquid trailing down my cheeks under my eyes. _Wait, did she end up hitting me again? No...n-no I can still see...oh shit…_ Salty tears make their way down my face, mingling with the blood and making my cuts throb and sting. My smile almost falls but I force it to stay up even though it _kills_ and is no doubt making my cuts bleed worse, if not to only freak out the two here.

Chuckling again, I lean back in my chair once more, farther away from them. Blood covering more of my face than it doesn’t and tears and sweat covering the rest of it. Keeping my left eye closed from the blood, I make eye contact with the Orc again. “That’s all I get? Wow, I’m sorry to say, but I think I was expecting a bit more.” She growls in rage. After a few seconds, for some dumbass fucking reason, my mind decided I needed to talk _more._ “You’re so angry! C’mon, just take it out on me. Do it! It’ll be fun!” I can hear my tone tilting on teasing and sing-song.

My breathing gets harsh and labored. It starts becoming hard to feel anything. Any emotion, whether negative or positive. All there is, is panic  _panic_ ** _panic_**. I can't control myself. My body shudders and my breath quickens. This is... different. Yet so terrifyingly familiar. I don't want to remember. So I talk and talk so I don't have to think about it. I  _can't_.

I can’t control it, _and I don’t want to_. _I need to antagonize her_ even though it’s stupid. I will die _finally_. There’s so much blood already and _it looks beautiful_. Any more and _death will be inevitable_. I don’t want to die _except I do. I do so very much_. I want to plead, to beg, “Let me out! I can’t take it anymore! _I’m not done yet!”_ But I can’t and I don’t know what’s holding me back. She’s going to _kill me_. I’m going to die. _And I don’t care if I do. Let it happen. Let it come._ **_Please. Kill me._ **

Tears stream down my face, mingling with blood and dripping into my lap and down my neck. The pain coming from too many areas of my too-young form making everything too muddled, too sharp. I won’t allow myself to give up but oh _god_ do I want to. I want to sob and crumble to pieces and just _give in_. I want to tell them everything if it’ll just make everything _stop_. It’s too much, too painful. Every feeling coming in is magnified and I can’t focus. I want to crawl in a small cave, in a makeshift bed and _sleep_. Too many thoughts are in my head. Too much pain. I’m so sad. There’s just _too much_. I can’t do anything, nothing will work. I can’t be saved. I’m by _myself_. I’m _hurting_. I wish I couldn’t feel anything, instead I feel too much. Too much. Bruises, cuts, gashes, bumps. What am I doing? Why are they doing this to me? _I’m only twelve_. Right? N-no...I’m older, I’ve got to be. No one would beat up a child. Except...they are. _They are_ . Where are my parents? My sisters? Brothers? My family. I _need_ them, where _are_ they? Wait... no, I’m alone. They’re dead. I can be dead too... I just need to wait a little bit longer. Just a little bit.

There’s too much. I can’t handle it. Muffled sounds drift in and out. Pain throbs everywhere. My heart is beating so fast it’s like it's _not beating at all._ My mind tells me I should _give up_ , I should _stay and fight_. _I can’t do it_. But I have to. I’m crying. I’m _weak_. I got caught. _I can’t breathe_. Someone help me. _Please…_

Through my jumbled mind, I can sense people moving and the noise stops for just a second. _Have I been speaking out loud this whole time?_  I pull my head up (since when did I drop it down?) and I try to focus. The Orc says something, then the Orsipean. Then the knife is in his hands. Stepping closer. My vision blurs. Another step. Pain muddles my mind. The blade is pointed towards me once again. Lightheadedness makes me dizzy and my breath faster. More panic seizes my heart and mind and _how is that possible?_  He pulls the blade up to strike.

Death is so very close to me. It always has been. It's okay.

I'm ready.

I'll see my family again.  _Finally._

But then, it’s like time stops. The knife comes down on the rope over my left arm, then quickly on my right and my breath hitches as he nicks it. He bends down and now my legs are free, another cut to my left ankle. He grabs me by the shoulder and shoves me out the door and I, predictably, fall into the mud. A muffled shout, then the door shuts and I’m alone in the darkness again.

It’s raining. Gentle drops fall on my skin and clothes, washing away sins and blood. As I force myself to get up off the ground, there’s already enough blood in the puddle to make it rust colored. Slowly, I make my way away from the cabin and through the woods.

Though, as quickly as shock entered my system after being let go, it left me. Pain makes itself known again as I try not to fall on the ground and trip over my feet. I force myself to move as fast as I dare, as fast as I can in my condition. The forest rumbles with emotion, visions and sounds flit past me as I stumble my way through the foliage. Things watch me just past my line of sight, when I turn to look, they vanish into the fog. I mentally apologize for disturbing the forest and the creatures living here. _I hope I’m not still hallucinating._ This must be the Creaton Forest if there’s this much movement. Which means I’m close to the Kingdom. _Damn…_

Once again, panic seizes my heart and mind. It's uncontrollable.

I need to get out of here, find a place to hide and heal. To _die_ . No one can save me, I have to be strong for myself. _I can still give up_ but I can’t. I won’t. _Succumbing to it would be_ too easy. _So easy_. _I could’ve done it before_ but I didn’t because it was too easy. Never take the easy way out. It only means it’s easier for them too. _But it works. It’ll work. It’s so easy and I am so, so tired of fighting_ . I need to fight. I need to keep fighting. I need to be stro- _weak. I am too weak. I should give up. Just fall down right here and let death take me away. N-_ no...no, I’m strong. Death has been here for a while now and I’m still here. Someone somewhere needs me and I plan to get there. _But what if I can’t_. I’m going to try. I will never stop.

The next thing I know, I’m in a cave. Or under the stump of a tree, encased by roots. I’m not sure. All I know is that it’s dry and I’m exhausted. It’s dark here. Sounds rumble around me, growls and footfalls and rustling leaves from moving creatures. I shouldn’t be at peace, it’s dangerous here. But I am. And I’m tired.

Curling up, I rest against the dry leaves on the ground.

And I sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really really hope that this was good!!!  
> This is my first time writing a huge piece and I'm super proud of myself for starting it and sharing it.  
> I am by no means a professional writer, so if I get some grammatical or technical stuff wrong, my apologies! Let me know if there's things like that I can fix!  
> I hope this whole story goes well, I have big dreams and ideas for it!  
> Also, yes, Deir talks to themself a lot. It might get confusing at some points, just let me know if it's too weird to understand!


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